@drinksmcgee: If you're going to lie about where you're from, at least try to make it sound like a real place and not something fake like "New Zealand"
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@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?" - Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets
@ira: Uber drivers always try to be engaging like, “where you off to tonight?!” as if I’m eager to share how I’m emotionally backsliding and heading to an exes’ apartment
@NewDadNotes: [after dinner] Mugger: gimme your wallet. Me: may I keep my ID? Mugger: fine. Me: [velcro sound] Mugger: I can’t be seen with that. gimme your shoes instead. Me: [velcro sound] Mugger: you know what never mind.