If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway