Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today πππ
You Might Also Like
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: youβre
him: β¦
me: hello? hello?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
mom: youβre 42 years old Iβm not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you wonβt, Iβll find somebody who will, Ma
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My biological clock is wheezing.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: Iβm asking mom.
Me: α΅Κ° α΅Κ°α΅βΏα΅ α΅α΅α΅
These work great until they don’t.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that Iβm trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Weirdβ¦the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profileβ¦
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”