@on_the_fritz_17: If you're going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.
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@themorris23: My wife calls it "woman's intuition" but I call it "not clearing your browser history."
@RidiculousSheri: 'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand. Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody's getting sued...