If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
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Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
People buying plungers never look happy.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that