@TheTweetOfGod: If you're going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it's moving.
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@Prof_Hinkley: [commercial for tupperware] Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now? - Tupperware
@Brianhopecomedy: I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I'll look before I lie down on the couch.
@SortaBad: If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room