If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May