A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you鈥檇 be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That鈥檚 nothing. You should鈥檝e seen them in the 70s
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that鈥檚 the first and last haunted house I鈥檒l be visiting this year.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 馃檨
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”