Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My god she’s good.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.