If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Life with a cat in one tweet
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now