Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.