If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
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Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Oh no
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse