If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
You Might Also Like
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)