if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”