@thefurlinator: if you're havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they're all bottles of beer on the wall
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@XplodingUnicorn: Went to a parade. For an hour, bored people on floats waved. For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back. It was the greatest day of her life.
@BoogTweets: Her: You're all sweaty. Where have you been? *Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts* Me: The gym.
@squirrel74wkgn: My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
@illTortuga: "Hey, wanna hangout?" "Later." "Now?" "No, later" "How about now?" "Jesus christ." -if Adobe Updater was your friend