If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill âyou need to pound it between each leg split.â
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Itâs not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
At the end of first grade, my teacher said âyour handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the yearâ and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
The cashier told me to have a good Valentineâs Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! đš
âYouâre so chillâ me: *in a coma*
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Guantanamo Bae
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? Itâs like that, but you canât call the cops.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.