If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
💻🤡
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article