@FriendlyAssh0le: if you're having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on themselves.
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@AndyAsAdjective: I can't prove it, but from the sound of it, I'm pretty sure there's an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
@EndhooS: interviewer: what can u bring to the firm me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles] interviewer: I meant like clients me: [removes cactus]
@Hobo_Splendido: The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they're so short.
@swisherr_tweet: How to be a white girl: 1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks 2.) take a picture drinking it 3.) Instagram it 4.) hash tag 'summerrrrrrrrr'