@FriendlyAssh0le: if you're having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on themselves.
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@DanMentos: "Hello, 911” Hi it's Mickey my dog is hurt bad “Is it Goofy or Pluto?” I don’t see how- “Goofy or Pluto?” Pluto “Call a vet” *hangs up*
@Ygrene: [first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume] ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
@iwearaonesie: me: Did you brush your teeth? 9: Yes me *hands him a glass of orange juice* 9: Do I have to? me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
@jaslakhmna: While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full...I'll just be drinking from the bottle !