Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
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I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”