I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
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BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
happy friday
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly