“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
You Might Also Like
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!