“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
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For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
it be like that