I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person