[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter