If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
You Might Also Like
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.