If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”