if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
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Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.