me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Hotels are back
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.