My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
hmm conte-me mais
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.