4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
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They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
2022: I can fix it