You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
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Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”