if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
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Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Trumpy Cat
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Stop sending me this shit.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes