if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
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Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews