I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.