When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
You Might Also Like
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me