“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
😂😂
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Wednesday
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS