@Terdoh: If you're in a Mexican prison, "Jesus loves you" might not be very comforting words...
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@iamdevinwagner: There is this absolutely gorgeous girl at my gym but I never know how to start a conversation with her without looking like the annoying dude trying to hit on her while she works out so I’m thinking tonight I’m gonna drop a weight on my foot and ask her to take me to the hospital
@daemonic3: [drinks milk from carton] WHY AREN'T YOU USING A GLASS?!? "I went to the eye doctor" What does that mean? "He said I don't need glasses"
@wit_haze: I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.