Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”