If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Plant care tips
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.