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Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.