If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.