If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Beware…..
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
thanks auntie mary
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?