If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
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Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Rt to bother an English speaker
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO