If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
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i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn