If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
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I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Print is alive and well!!!
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.