if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
no one ever comes back
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us