@CornOnTheGoblin: if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
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@LindaInDisguise: After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
@gavinpivott: A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
@longwall26: Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world's first clown.
@SaraESpivey: My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.