If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.