@TeflonPawn: If you're looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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@mompsychologist: Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car. Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
@ruinedpicnic: (climbing out of my coffin) I'm sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is- [nobody is at my funeral]
@CulturedRuffian: I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.