If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I love it all
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
My inexpensive home security system…
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table