If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Life with a cat in one tweet
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.