Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
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During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Liquor Store Parking
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.