Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
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Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.