If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
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I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
when mom throws a party…
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.