If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.