If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES